How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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