I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
