I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
