did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
