White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
