Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
