I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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