She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
