This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
You were trust falling into bushes
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
