the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
