apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
