dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I intend to get homeless drunk
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
