She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
