I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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