he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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