I'm going to jail i love you
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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