peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
