Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
