the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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