Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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