this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
