oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
