Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
soo... how was my night?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
