plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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