im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
