I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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