I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
