My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
