My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
