now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Randomize
