the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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