When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
