You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
