All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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