i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
