glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
