i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
