I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
My penis needs a shock collar
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
