so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
