Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
