I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
