yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
