got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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