I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
