You're my little dorito
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
