I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
they're like a gay fantastic four
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
