I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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