i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
