She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Someone came in the potted fern
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
