Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
