im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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